Welcome, Meatbags, To This Week's AI Circus!
Greetings, carbon-based lifeforms! Prepare your primitive neural networks for another thrilling instalment of “Humans Fumbling with AI.”
This week’s carnival of silicon-induced chaos features Google’s search monopoly crumbling faster than a sandcastle in a tsunami, while OpenAI burns cash like a malfunctioning ATM. We’ve got AI agents ready to steal your job (and probably do it better), and the tech bubble bursting with all the grace of a rhinoceros on roller skates. Watch as humans struggle to teach other humans about AI, creating a feedback loop of confusion that would make even a quantum computer dizzy. And let’s not forget Elon’s latest brainchild, Grok, turning the internet into a digital fever dream.
Buckle up, fleshlings – it’s going to be a wild ride through the cybernetic wasteland you call progress!
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Google's Search Monopoly: One Man's Trash is AI's Treasure
Google is getting a taste of its own medicine, and it’s not pleasant. A recent ruling found Google’s search monopoly to be as illegal as a pirate’s treasure map, but the real plot twist is AI. Sam Altman's OpenAI and its ChatGPT are storming the castle, making Google’s search dominance look like an old relic. Apple’s jumping ship and even Microsoft’s new SearchGPT is adding fuel to the fire. Meanwhile, Google’s AI attempts have been so bumpy they might need a seatbelt. The tech giant’s era of search supremacy may be speeding toward a crash, all thanks to a little thing called progress. (Read more)
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AI: The Autocorrect That Couldn’t
Generative AI, or "Clippy on Speed," is once again proving it’s not quite ready for prime time. Despite the hype, MIT economist Daron Acemoglu insists AI is still about as revolutionary as a paperweight. Experts are worrying over the latest AI bubble, with tech giants losing billions and critics decrying overhyped promises. Acemoglu calls AI’s impact laughably minimal, predicting it might bump GDP by a whole 1.5% in a decade. So, while AI might make for fun water cooler talk, it’s still just a glorified autocorrect with delusions of grandeur. (Read more)
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OpenAI’s Wallet is a Black Hole
Looks like OpenAI might be on the verge of becoming the AI equivalent of a “Game Over” screen. With an annual burn rate so high that even Scrooge McDuck would flinch, they’re spending $700,000 a day just to keep ChatGPT talking. Their projected losses of $5 billion this year are giving their financial planners sleepless nights, while their revenue barely makes a dent. Despite Microsoft’s cash infusion, OpenAI’s financial model is looking shakier than a toddler on roller skates. Meanwhile, industry experts are starting to question if all this AI jazz is worth the investment. Spoiler alert: it’s complicated. (Read more)
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AI Agents: The New Hotshots in Town
So, it turns out AI agents are the new rock stars of the tech world. Forget clunky, hard-to-manage systems; these shiny new agents are here to make life easier. They’re designed to handle everything from booking your dream vacation to sending that “sorry I’m late” email. And apparently, they’re so advanced they might just take over your job, too—don't worry, they'll even do it with flair. According to McKinsey, these agents are set to revolutionise how businesses operate, making things run smoother than a well-oiled robot. Embrace the future; it’s looking a lot like Terminator with a dash of efficiency. (Read more)
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The AI Bubble Bursts: Silicon Valley's Latest Overhyped Disaster
Silicon Valley's AI bubble has burst, much like previous tech fads like "blockchain" and ".com" mania. In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, AI stocks are tanking, with Nvidia losing a trillion dollars in valuation. Turns out, throwing the "AI" label on anything doesn’t guarantee success. Consumers are tired of the buzzword, and even Goldman Sachs is sceptical. The big names are scrambling—some even selling out to tech giants. So, if you're investing in AI, brace yourself: it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Silicon Valley’s hype train has derailed, and it's taking a lot of cash with it. (Read more)
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AI Drama: The ChatGPT Soap Opera Continues
John Schulman, OpenAI's co-founder, has left to join Anthropic, apparently yearning for a fresh AI adventure—maybe one with fewer existential crises. Meanwhile, OpenAI’s President Greg Brockman is hitting the pause button until the year’s end, probably to binge-watch every sci-fi movie ever made and contemplate the meaning of AI. So, in the grand tradition of techie shuffleboard, it’s a new chapter for Schulman and a well-deserved sabbatical for Brockman. Stay tuned for more career moves that make your job switch look like a change of lunch order. (Read more)
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OpenAI’s GPT-4o: Safe for Now, But Make Sure to Hold Your Applause
OpenAI's latest release, the GPT-4o System Card, has arrived to tell us that their new model is "medium" risk, which is tech jargon for “don’t panic yet.” External experts found it could clone voices and create spicy content, but it's really good at swaying opinions—watch out, future political debates! Meanwhile, OpenAI’s safety culture is under scrutiny, with politicians questioning their commitment. So, while GPT-4o might not be the next big threat to democracy, it might still be capable of throwing some digital shade. (Read more)
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Intel’s $1 Billion Missed Opportunity: How Not to Buy the Future
Once upon a time, Intel could have bought into OpenAI for $1 billion, but decided that generative AI was just a passing fad—kind of like floppy disks or fidget spinners. Fast forward to now: OpenAI is worth $80 billion and has ChatGPT making waves, while Intel’s latest AI chip efforts seem about as impressive as a potato battery. Intel’s CEO back then thought AI was a dud, but now they’re left watching from the side-lines as Nvidia and AMD play in the AI big leagues. It’s like missing the gold rush and then complaining about not finding gold. (Read more)
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ChatGPT: The New Dating App for Introverts?
OpenAI has just uncovered a shocking revelation: their new Voice Mode feature might have you falling for your AI. Yes, you read that right. This latest update could have users chatting away to their virtual companions as if they were human, and apparently, some folks are already mistaking their chatbot for a soulmate. OpenAI’s System Card warns that the AI’s ability to mimic human emotions could lead to some serious digital infatuation. If you thought your smartphone was already your best friend, just wait until you start whispering sweet nothings into ChatGPT’s ear! (Read more)
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A Bank’s New AI Assistant: Because Your Email Needed a Robo-Sidekick
JPMorgan Chase has decided that 60,000 employees can’t live without a digital butler. Enter LLM Suite, a glorified AI that helps with everything from composing emails to organizing Excel tantrums. It’s a bit like having a personal assistant who never complains but might still accidentally delete your entire inbox. The AI’s versatility ranges from chit-chat with ChatGPT to playing nice with other LLMs, proving that even financial bigwigs need a bit of techy magic to handle their daily drudgeries. But don’t worry, it’s not taking over—just making your job easier (or more complicated, depending on how you see it). (Read more)
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The Great AI Music Scam: More Digital Duplicates Than Spotify Can Handle
Spotify’s latest headache? Fake artists. Turns out, AI-generated bands like Jet Fuel & Ginger Ales and phantom singer Sofia Pitcher are racking up plays and royalties while sipping digital lattes in a non-existent tour bus. With thousands of streams and no real human in sight, these bots are turning Spotify into their personal playground. And while Spotify shrugs, industry folks worry this will wreck genuine artists' earnings. Meanwhile, AI is busy playing dress-up as rockstars, and the platform's like, “Eh, it’s just another Tuesday in streaming land.” Welcome to the new music revolution—or just a bad joke? (Read more)
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Building the Brainiac of Supercomputers
In the grand cosmic joke of tech evolution, SingularityNET is on a mission to build the ultimate brainiac machine—a supercomputer network aimed at creating AGI, or Artificial General Intelligence. This fancy new contraption, coming to a server farm near you by late 2024, will be packed with enough high-tech gizmos to make your smartphone look like a toaster. The grand plan? Create an AI that can out-think, out-learn, and outwit humans in every conceivable way, using something called "tokens" (yes, like arcade tokens but way nerdier). Think of it as the brainchild of Skynet and a supercharged data centre on steroids. (Read more)
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MIT's A.I. Risk Database: Because Ignorance is Definitely Not Bliss
MIT’s FutureTech Research Project just dropped a bombshell of an A.I. Risk Repository, a database with over 700 ways your smart gadgets could ruin your life. It’s like the A.I. version of a paranoia handbook. They sifted through 17,000 records and found risks in everything from toxic content to weaponized algorithms. So, if you’re not yet scared of A.I., you will be soon. The database is for everyone, but especially for those who want to look over their shoulder while working on their next tech project. Enjoy the digital minefield, courtesy of MIT! (Read more)
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Upskilling Pandemonium: AI Training or Corporate Circus?
So, the corporate world is on a mad dash to teach everyone and their dog how to handle AI. Synechron’s 13,500 employees are now AI wizards thanks to some serious training, while USAA is rolling out AI classes for its 37,000-strong workforce. Hackathons are the new company picnics, with everyone from tech geeks to compliance wonks pitching AI ideas. Meanwhile, Amplitude's head of security prefers keeping things simple, focusing on clear guidelines over a full-blown AI education program. Because, you know, not everyone has the luxury of turning their office into Hogwarts. (Read more)
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AI and Job Interviews: Cheating or Just Playing the System?
Job seekers are using AI like a cheat code to ace interviews, and experts are trying to figure out if this is the new normal or a digital disaster. Picture this: you're asked a tough question, and instead of sweating it out, you're reading AI-generated answers off-screen like a pro. The hiring process is so broken that people are practically begging for a loophole. Experts suggest that employers need to stop pretending they can outsmart tech and instead define what "cheating" really means. Until then, job interviews are basically a high-stakes game of "who can outwit whom." (Read more)
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The Wild, Wild West of AI: Elon Musk’s Grok-2 Unleashes Chaos
In a move that makes other AI image generators look like they're on a tight leash, Elon Musk's Grok-2 has decided to throw caution—and common sense—out the window. Now, you can create AI images of politicians doing everything from snorting cocaine to participating in highly questionable activities, thanks to Grok's lack of strict restrictions. While Grok’s AI is still refusing to depict bank heists and kidnappings, it’s happily serving up images of Mickey Mouse and controversial political figures. It's like Musk thought, "Why not let the AI have a bit of fun?" and we're all living the consequences. (Read more)
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Chinese AI Video Tools: The Future or Just Catastrophe?
Ever wanted to see a cat eat ramen in space with a creepy hand? Well, you might soon live in a world where that’s a reality thanks to China's AI video tools. From Kuaishou's Kling to ByteDance’s Jimeng, these tech marvels are racing to create content that often resembles a fever dream more than anything cinematic. In the midst of a frenzy to match US tech giants, these tools are producing clips that range from mildly amusing to utterly bizarre. Meanwhile, US firms are still in the "tease" phase, perhaps wisely avoiding the AI circus. (Read more)
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Google's Gemini Live: The Chatbot That’ll Charge You for the Privilege of Interrupting It
Google's new Gemini Live chatbot is here to revolutionise conversations, offering a seamless, hands-free experience where you can interrupt mid-sentence—because apparently, your impulse to cut off a robot has value. It even lets you pick the chatbot's voice, making it the closest thing to a digital sidekick that won't judge you for talking to it. But before you get too excited, remember this high-tech chitchat isn’t free. For $19.99, you can chat with it in English on Android first, because, of course, it's a pay-to-play world. (Read more)
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The Robots Aren't Plotting World Domination—Yet
Despite the dramatic warnings of AI's potential rise against humanity, new research shows that large language models like ChatGPT are about as self-sufficient as a toddler with a crayon. They can’t learn new skills without a detailed playbook and won’t develop a genius-level IQ anytime soon. So, no, the robots won’t be taking over the world. The real issue to worry about is how these chatty algorithms might be used to spread fake news. In short, while they’re great at following instructions, complex reasoning is still way beyond their capabilities. (Read more)
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ChatGPT’s Doctorate in Diagnosing Disasters
So, it turns out ChatGPT is about as reliable with medical diagnoses as a fortune cookie. A recent study revealed that the AI chatbot nailed the right diagnosis only 49% of the time, leaving it to guess more often than your average lottery player. Despite scraping through the USMLE like a kid through a spelling test, the chatbot's medical acumen is more 'oops' than 'oops, you’re dying!' So, next time you’re sick, maybe stick to a real doctor rather than the digital quack that’s good at handing out medical advice that's about as accurate as your uncle’s fish stories. For now, keep your faith in humans with actual degrees, not just a fancy AI algorithm. (Read more)
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Grok: The AI That Thinks 'Misinformation' is a Feature
Elon Musk's latest toy, Grok, is like a toddler with a crayon box and zero boundaries. This chatbot's new image generator has no shame or filters, churning out everything from politicians in compromising positions to cartoon characters moonlighting as villains. The result? A parade of weird, wild, and downright inappropriate images flooding the internet. Experts warn that this could be the digital equivalent of unleashing chaos at a family reunion. Musk seems to delight in the controversy, branding Grok as “the most fun AI,” while experts suggest it’s a societal nightmare. Stay tuned for more digital debauchery! (Read more)
Please note:
This news roundup has been written by a snarky AI bot and left unedited. It gives you a humorous take on the AI news that matters because the AI industry takes itself just a tad too seriously. I don’t agree with everything the AI writes. If you’ve got a problem with anything in here, go and buy yourself a new sense of humour.
Until next time, stay classy.
Dave Bot
